How many is one? Or say it like this, what’s the colour of one?
We all are wholly broken entities, we walk from here to there asking to be whole, wanting to construct wellness from our constituent undone parts, disfunctional, darkly dirty and lost like smoke looking for the fire of its origins.
The only reason we know we are entities is because we began as Ones. Our identity became conscious in a blaze of sound, colour, scent and touch at birth.
We were united with the sensory input with which we were saturated in such a way that we were at first unable to make any distinction between us and the world of senses we were sensing.
Later on came intimations of duality. We got the idea, again through first hand experience,
“I am not what that is”.
“I am I and that is not I. It is Other”.
Our oneness is conscious of experience as suffering or joy – hunger or satiety. By such terms, our oneness is all about polarities of intensity.
As adults, we are wracked by our acquired trauma or injury. We are damaged by our inability to make sense of episodes of damage sustained we cannot or wish not to recall.
Our longing for peace, love and happiness relates to our selves as newborn bundles of love. That was when we were blissfully undamaged, unaware of agencies capable of our damage or destruction.
As adults we spend time and devote our energy to achieving that experience of blissful oneness that was ours at the time of our birth.
In truth, we are all still purest innocent oneness. It is that so much has happened in the years since birth, we have stopped reminding ourselves of our innate purity.
Our notions of duality and the way we so readily devote much attention to our ability, albeit limited, to grasp at, acquire or alter our perception of the world of Other, these serve to remove our attention from the intense heat of welcome, magic and mystery to be found in our molten core – our innate oneness.
If we keep hold of the image we still continue as whole and clear, pure and clean as the day we were born, we will have hope and faith, those fabulous flammable fuels which will power us on our common goal, the journey back to wholeness, Oneness.
We can bring back to our heart and mind the Oneness of our origin, our common origin which indivisibly composed us from birth. For some it is easy. For most it is a lifetime’s labour. For an unfortunate few, death will end their search before they even get a tiny glimpse of eternal love.
Part of what has sustained me, repaired me, enlarged and enriched my life has been about acquiring the skills and tools for recognising the value and importance of self-healing. Healing facilitates and increases my ability to recognise and manage my own well-being. These things in general hold a significance in the living of life that is close to sacred. This form of healing compassion has been recognised as sacred throughout human history.
My journey is coming into the realisation that I only will grow and thrive in direct proportion to how much I can help others in their journeys of growth and self-love, even if I can do so only by not standing in their way.
A friend said to me… “Only by letting go of your past self can you take yourself to unimagined places.”
I cannot let go of my entire self with all of my past thoughts, words and deeds, when I hurt so much from their heavy weight on my back.
There’s much more to the action of letting go than an effort of will.
Massive changes can take place when my heart reveals itself and I take notice of its childlike purity, and I act to navigate the grand tides of new understanding my own heart offers to me.
These changes present my mind with a view of my original innocence. They begin when I listen to the positive appreciative comments from my family and friends, and I make the effort to believe what I hear.
What have I done up till now to prevent myself from believing in my goodness? And why do I turn a deaf ear to compliments and a blind eye to the anxiety in my face in the mirror which asks only to be loved?
There are answers to be found by examination of the causes of fear that I cling to. Among other places, answers in past trauma revisited, and in timid acceptance of outside pressures from social conditioning.
What naturally follows little by little is my understanding of my entirely needless attachment to my fear and self-loathing that spring from shame and my guilt about former deeds, words and thoughts engaged in out of ignorance of my true value to myself and others.
I begin to make closures for years of misdirected and wasted effort to merely content myself with survival, by forgiveness through self love and self validation.
I forgive my younger self for what I did out of ignorance fuelled by self doubt while wading along underlying streams of fear.
In this new condition of redemption for my past behaviours I can be freed of past guilt and shame, forgive, love, and let go of my past self and take myself to previously unimagined places illuminated by the peace and love from which all beings arise and to which we are all walking each other home 💫
Whenever I hear someone’s story of their 360° round trip on these rivers of tears, I feel a mix of compassionate pain and frustration at their unnecessary journey.
My gut says, “It ain’t necessarily so!”, because it puts me in mind of those circular journeys of solitary despair I knew so well.
I am a soul filled with a joyful heart. I am blessed with this grace because my heart has beat to its own time, while I lived and breathed through suffering.
I must state my position.
Many years I spent with my heart uncomprehendingly engaged in a mood of gloom. I lived close to the edge of the world. I could only grieve for the beautiful security of how things were, because I had lost contact with that most natural of gifts that all sentient beings share – to love to live in the flow of the present moment.
This flow of the lived living moment is the dance of life we can watch on any street corner all the world over, where children play, yell, and enjoy their own company.
The will to live – that resource of legendary power – knows no past or future. If I live in the fullness of this present moment, I know nothing of any “threat” to my existence, because a threat can only exist in the context of the future-in-the-past.
Similarly, if all I am is joy-of-present, I shall have no care for the past. The reality available to innocent babies and to all young sentient living beings is reality both all-encompassing and intensely personal, exactly as the Universe is both personal and vast.
This reality is a self-awareness welded to and bonded with the will to live.
For the new-born, so for our grosser adult selves – we have an imperative to survive. Survival is the expression of our dependence on billions of iterations of our ancient genes in the moment-to-moment.
Mercifully, survival is maintained by autonomous life systems. The “test” – that all-out awful emergency – is rarely handed over to us that we shall be obliged to take full responsibility for our survival.
The continuum between life and death, the fulcrum of existence, is as a magnificence. A magnificence removed from the tick-tock of time, contained in and available to us in the Grace of Present Here-and-Now.
In my late teens, before I ‘dropped out’, I searched for and found a precious union. I cleaved to “haeceity”, to the THISNESS of things. It hardly matters here what association this had to mainstream thought, the important fact is that this understanding of the essential nature of reality remains with me still today.
This found communion with the simplicity of “What is” is my bedrock, my source of strength, healthy well-being, and healing. It is also my ever-available portal to the most sacred space in the heart containing the source of endless peace and love, present in us all and available to us all, from which we come and to which we all return.
The ability to approach and become contiguous with the uncomplicated bliss of “What is” literally saved my sanity and on occasion my life.
After this, in my lost years (20 to 25) I became troubled with abnormal mood fluctuations, and was dependent on pharmaceutical and hospital support. My withdrawal from society caused much anxiety and pain to my family and friends. My parents did all they could to help me, though at times they feared for my safe future.
Arguably there have been several early-life traumas which predisposed me to this. I have been privileged to revisit my Inner Child, and I spent invaluable hours – under direction of my Shamanic Healer here in Bournemouth where I live now – in precious, if at times painful, discovery of the selfless love of that little boy.
The small boy-child I was took it on his own advisement to loyally support me during my early years trauma. I see now I owe a sacred debt of gratitude for his compassionate and unconditional love which ultimately made possible my release from early trauma.
With the dominance of low mood during those years, I lost my former ability to connect to the flow of the present moment. It felt like a bitter-sweetness, a sorry addiction to sorrow, much like a drug. For extended periods of time, probably prolonged by tranquillisers, this was my emotional home.
Mental states at unnatural levels of modulation had determined that I ascribed meaning to both thoughts and situations which in “logical reality” hold no more significance than the superficiality of the fleeting moment.
Here is my understanding of something central to the way we can lose our firm hold on the balance of our mental health.
An enormous burden of energy is required to deal with the trivia of day-to-day living as if they are issues of crucial importance. We maintain a healthy working equilibrium most of the time without much conscious thought.
We can be well served if we can be made to see from an early age the value of living “in the moment”. With the knowledge of these practices (living mindfully) comes the ability to apply personal choice to the management of an individual’s state of mind.
If we have prior understanding about how much importance to give to our thought patterns, we may be equipped to make choices in good time, when we are still inclined to seek help.
The starting-point when a person begins to regard the trivia of day-to-day living and their accompanying thoughts as if they are issues of critical importance, could be a jumping-off point into spiral, nonlinear thinking and decision-making.
From this superposition of the minutia of trivial thoughts on the conscious mind it is not far to go to arrive in the insoluble confusion of the unknown.
Then comes Chaos – a total loss of the ability to assume responsibility for one’s thought and actions.
The problem that got to be crippling for me was that for a time I lost the objective ability to recognise superficiality for the extraordinary gift it is – the delightful sparkling flow of the fleeting moment.
This led to overwhelming feelings of banishment from the world of other people, who I observed as enjoying superficial speech and actions unperturbed by states of hyper self-consciousness.
I now believe that there is a common denominator underlying the pain and helplessness of mental health sufferers. It is a common factor also for those who have tried with all their might to reunite with their sense of belonging in the world.
Without co-ownership of self, and without some sort of recognition of the THISNESS of the existence we all share in common – from the state of being of the humble Lacewing, to the imperturbably powerful outpouring of electromagnetic radiation in the Cosmos – peace of mind, communion with one’s own heart can seem constantly unattainable.
It is a vital life-affirming truth that the only constant is transience.
We all rely on the unconditional acceptance of the flow of the fleeting moment for our conscious awareness to stabilise on a Single-point of unquestioned reference so that we can make moment-to-moment judgements and take necessary decisions at a most elementary level at the prompting of humdrum and fluctuating local circumstances.
Our innate condition is predicated on nothing more than our existence in physical form and our awareness in the Universe of objects and sentience. These are the fundamental reasons we are alive and we remain alive.
Life in us begins without our conscious volition, but we risk everything, the disturbance of our balance, even our sanity, if we continue in life as if life were external to us.
A life fully lived is lived in the passionate and impassioned understanding of life’s array of power and beauty.
Visions of beauty and power are instantly available to those who make the effort to recognise themselves as transient bearers of their portion of brilliance in the array.
Key to the recognition of their own beauty and power is the acceptance of the moment – the EveryNow – as life’s vessel and array.
I coined the word EveryNow in early 2016 to denote a cherished elevated state of being. The word has its roots in the understanding of the illusory nature of clinging to this or that, be it mood, perception, mode of thought, or time itself!
Mine is a story of 50 years of redemption and salvation. No other response than humility and continuous gratitude will do.
I devote much of my time and energy to show how immediate, powerful and freely available is the juicy goodness of the force that some call the life force, others, the will to live, and still more know by words like love, hope, peace, heart, spirit. Alas! So few take the trouble to step over the threshold of words and… love to live!
I truly wish my words may fill up your heart with love, dear Friend.
I remind you, you have set out courageous and have begun to confront dark barriers which old traumas and sorrows have solidified into blocks on your path.
Some of these horrid monoliths you have grown accustomed to carrying about with you wherever you go, wherever you are.
This is hard work, exhausting and lonely. There is no relief. The sad thing is, in the end, your beautiful lovable self can curl up and shrink out of sight.
And now I remind you that I still believe in Epiphany.
Being drenched by a spontaneous experience of this magnitude can take a person into a state of raised consciousness, regardless of unresolved internal obstacles.
Here is a place, a state of vibrant new awareness, where there is a continuous, powerful, conscious intuitive connection between oneself and the origin of all life.
This is a sudden inrush into the heart of life force – peace and love – from which all life springs and to which all life returns.
The heart floods with love. Very quickly the lovelight shows up the years, months and days lived in the shade.
Here is the source of a waterfall of Healing.
I liken this potential to enter into transformative awakening, this state of grace by an epiphany, to an arrival at a Portal, as depicted so graphically in ‘Stargate’, the sci-fi series.
However, there is a price to pay. No one steps through such a Portal casually. It takes courage and determination, sometimes born out of desperation and repeated suffering, to embark on such a rite of passage.
A person who has acknowledged and begun a journey of self-discovery, this person is unavoidably on course to rediscover the lovable, as well as the loving self.
The loving self I say, because you know you love and you have loved, and you can love. Giving such as this comes rather naturally.
Can you be loved so willingly in these familiar ways by your own self? In a nutshell, can you love yourself?
Can you “be love” ?
Some call the opening of a significant life journey a falling in love again with the self.
“Again” because the original self “is” love. The early human baby, to whom the future has no meaning, is all about present immediacy. This new being inhabits the space, the playground of love.
Here in this primal arena is also hunger, thirst, desire for security, in whatever order.
The reason (if such an abstraction has any meaning in the context of a newborn) why such primal needs excite us so much is simply that they sustain life.
This is life lived at no remove at all from the life instinct – the will to live, the will to continue to survive. This condition of mind is primitive, urgent, exciting.
And I say it is very beautiful. Indeed it is one of the openings into beauty.
Every sentient being on Earth – in the sea, on land, in the air – lives at this intense level.
Some time later, at the stage of independence, once the need is implanted as a result of whatever life circumstances, banal or dramatic, to discover some answers to Who, What, even Why I “am”, the path at your feet may become luminous and fertile with a rather mysterious sense of promise.
This feeling of being onto something exciting is present for the straightforward reason that there is a strong intuition that some kind of fulfilment is just round the corner.
The possibility of resolution becomes attainable, because you visualised it, called out to it, cried out for it.
All life is interconnected. All interconnections stem from one source. The source is terrific, powerful and overwhelmingly beautiful, and we hear this spoken by many from various directions from time imemorial.
In unity, Humanity has raised its face to this millennial truth. This is how it is.
Little wonder that having stepped out on the pilgrimage to self realisation, the ground begins to tremble, and the urge to continue is irresistible.
The stage is reached where only a hair trigger stimulus will be enough to slam the seeker into a brilliant way of seeing.
Or not!
Epiphany experiences are in rather short supply!
It may happen little by little. A person grows quietly into a new place of understanding and acceptance, with, “So that’s it.” With a few aha’s.
It may happen quickly, like a dam burst. There is no avoiding, no postponing, no ignoring the approach of light, the flowering of the vision of life in grand abundance, and, with this release, laughter and the deep sense of joy-in-residence.
I so truly wish these blessings on you with all my soul’s strength, my dear Friend.
For years I questioned how I can be in total comfort with myself? How can I be happy and my spirits be in balance?
Always these questions around introspection and self-enquiry for me.
After my very young inner child had successfully built grand defences against early trauma, the sea of companionship receded from me and I was on my own fortified island.
Marooned as the “me I call myself” long after my defences had ceased to serve their purpose, I was perpetually on an elusive quest to “catch” myself engaged fully in my most completely alive and revealing moments, at peace and in bliss.
So I feel to share again in gratitude and in simple celebration the mutual recognition of light and beauty in another, and the reflection in me.
Here, in another time of writing, is my pixel of truth as a member of humanity… ” So when I try to define my life’s force in words, or dance, or music, or art, it does not resist me, neither can it escape me, because it is me.
On rare exquisite occasions my life-force can turn towards me and light me up with a smile of a beautiful person whose gaze I meet, and I am melted clean. “
I once put this on paper…” In the intervening time since I first wrote this, I have many times over been ‘melted clean’. Every time this minor miracle happens, my heart tells me, ‘Leap for joy! Loop the loop!’ until the last remnants of grime and sludge disappear from the windscreen of my pedestrian view. “
It is when I am no longer aware of it, and have not ‘reminded myself’ to tell myself that I am happy, that the quintessence of pleasure occurs. It occurs the way a bubbling freshwater spring upwells.
And here, for many years, and indeed for my first 66 years, submission to the joy of the moment – EveryNow – remained a pretty metaphor, an intriguing glimpse of other people’s existences, but never my own.
My route to arrival (in part) at EveryNow was through my furious and repeated focus over an extended period of years on these two puzzles.
What constitutes the bliss that so utterly takes “me” over? And where am “I” at the moment I vanish and become “become” bliss?
Again… what is the experience like to completely “be” someone else? Put in other words, what is it to fully present my own self with the pure distillation of the sentience of another living sentient creature?
By engaging myself in this roller-coaster thought-ride, centrifugal force may fling me off. It is just one of the many ways to lose myself and find the world.
If I care to think on it, this is the best endeavour of all of my powers of understanding and intuition set to the task of vanishing as being me, and to entering into the sacred presence of the essential essence of another. Another man, woman, tree, even a stone!
Less is so much more that it defies description!
And it is this lack of definitive Definitions, this willingness of mine to take the courage of my own spiked curiosity, in the absence of labelling intentions, that brings me to see there are two things which have meaningful existence: Peace and Love.
Love is the child of Light and Peace.
What makes all the foregoing worthwhile and valid? These two: Peace and Love. Peace and Love are qualities which together constitute my heart, my most sacred personal space.
And I have a simple practical way to find myself whenever I am in need, feel troubled, restless or lost.
The reality for me of the existence in me of Love and Peace is not just a chunk of factual knowledge that I can refer to.
Through thick and thin, illness, despair, literal clinical madness and the mayhem of chaos, I know for sure I need only look inwards.
I only need touch into this heart of mine with a smile in order to reignite my entire panoply of reasons to be alive and to continue to live.
Instantly I am driven to raise and praise these qualities and make them known and shared far and wide.
The View at 72+ 