Loving to Live

The voice within has always spoken to myself and to the world from the seat of my emotions, from my feelings and impressions. I know I have always interpreted the world through my imaginative powers of association.

I’d often let this fine-tuned imagination galop away with the banalities of the day before I can get a practical handle on them.

This often led me to deliberately mis-associate external realities in order to amuse myself with impossible nonsense, or to escape deeper from their ordinary reality.

For a long time I’d deliberately share my own whisked-up version of things, knowing that people would be put off trying to understand me. This was how I would creep deeper into a social isolation where I felt safe. Those were the days people would hear me, tell me, “You’re mad”, turn round and walk away.

All these things became clear for me to see from the persistent hard Work of self-examination and revelation through Shamanic Healing between 2014 and 2017.

I owe an immense debt of gratitude to this compassionate soul, friend and Shamanic Healer, Tiffany Guild of Bournemouth.

I lived a rich inner life. It was both a blessing and a curse. It had originated from my isolation, starting from my earliest months of life, when trauma was the rule.

For decades, I stored in my mind humanist and “Zen” insights from inside my reinforced defended “cockpit”. I so needed to understand and be like others. But from behind my defensive walls, it was impossible. I had no visualisation of my own heavy fortifications, so I did not know how to act with the unselfconscious free flow I saw in everybody else.

Then came 2013. The “Year of my Life”. The year I started regular Biodanza. As a result of giving away my heart, my heart appeared to me!

All the knowledge I’d stored away suddenly began to self-organise. It all began to make sense, but in a way that took a huge amount of energy to comprehend. After all, I had a library of facts and no methods of matching the facts against my new reality!

This marked my re-entry into Loving to Live. Living to love – so superficial – didn’t cut it for me any more.

It was a nose-dive into inner space. It was a scary Roller Coaster ride. It felt as if I would lose my mind, unless I could monitor this Brave New World by writing a daily Journal.

It is still a Roller Coaster ride, but it holds no fears. The intensity is undimmed. It is the same newness, whichever way I turn!

The more I engage with people, trees, flowers, insects in non-attached, non-judgemental ways, the less of a barrier exists between me and the “world”.

When I engage with my few closest friends, this dissolved barrier allows the love in their hearts to flood mine,

yours included

~ Love’s presence EveryNow

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