💫 With total recall ✨

✨With total recall💫

Baby show

South Kensington

I locate my fear in my stomach as I hear the sudden, unaccustomed sounds of so many children’s voices reverberating in a huge bare-walled room on my first morning in junior school.

SW1

I feel his chin stubble on my face, as my Father kisses me good night. Smiling, I hear myself say, “Do it again”.

Hyde Park Corner

I am wrapped in delight and surprise, when I hear the sequence of notes of my own Mother humming “Jesu Joy Of Man’s Desiring”. We are walking hand in hand along the busy main road to the bus stop.

Saint-Rémy-de-Provence

Last in line, I am standing close to my first bright salamander. I am greedy for the acrid scent of wild thyme in my nostrils. We are on our way to climb the hill.

Geneva

Safe on my own, happy in a foreign land, I feel the pavement all hot under my young sandalled feet. A coin in my pocket will soon buy me an exotic ice cream.

Rowledge

I am transfixed in bliss, aged only 17. It is my first sight of flesh-coloured azaleas in high summer. For the rest of my life, I am filled up by their shockingly sensual scent.

Sicily

I bring into existence again the scent of jasmine at dusk at the entrance to the ancient Greek theatre at Taormina.

W8

I remember with finest detail our first kisses. It is similar to letting myself fall into the pool from the high board.

W1

I see it again and again. The head of our firstborn is appearing!

Share the love

Suddenly simply the delicious honey of gratitude

When my flower comes to the end, it melts into the earth it rose from…

I am bursting to tell you that an opening into an understanding has appeared to me. It has made things much less complicated. It has removed shed-loads of stress and taken away my false sense of obligation to myself and others.

I began journaling daily from my year of heart awakening in 2013. The collected curated posts began to form into my EveryNow blog on WordPress in 2018. The urge to “share the love” spurred me on and on to add more and more to EveryNow.

The act of sitting down time and time again to compose a new journal is itself a form of focused thinking, of meditative practice. I never can tell where my train of thought will lead. I know it’s important to exert my skills of thinking to remain in truth and logic. What words and what structures I select need to serve truth and logic with clarity.

In November 2019, my mortality tapped me hard on my shoulder with a heart arrhythmia. My heartbeat suddenly went up to 162 and stayed there.

Whatever else might be about to happen to me, I knew I wanted to preserve and protect EveryNow as my legacy, my personal expression of my love of life. So while I waited my turn for surgery, I threw money at Facebook in order to extend and accelerate the geographic readership of my blog. 

I created my Facebook page “EveryNow”. This form of advertising broadcasting has had some effect. A few tens of thousands have seen EveryNow who would never have known about it.

My troubling medical disturbance was mercifully cured, virtually eliminated, by a simple, short procedure in 2020, by another in 2023, and by a Pacemaker implant in 2024.

I saw relatively huge numbers of paid for “hits” with Facebook on EveryNow, tens of thousands of them, compared to my ordinary Facebook likes in mostly single digits. I am thunderstruck, by the complete absence of engagement from any of them, in the EU, the USA and the UK. Although I have had no dislikes, I received no likes and no comments.

What does this mean for comprehending the behaviour of my new audience? And what does this great indifference say to me, and tell me about my attempt to make ripples, plant seeds, create new webs of connection through the beloved child of my heart, EveryNow?

With my own online presence, I continue to see others, present like me, “Sharing the Love”. My having joined them enables me to see what I am trying to express and present more ‘in-the-round’.

In a much wider objective perspective, my almost daily on-line presence since 2013, is on the scale of one fish in a planet-wide ocean of fish. Add to those fish, all the fish in rivers and lakes, and I can visualise my self-image to the correct scale: infinitesimally small! 

It’s gratifying that my blog shows signs that it may have begun to reach a critical audience mass where the audience is growing without my adding new blog posts. One or two per week are seeing my blog posts. Look, no hands! New followers are following from the old.

I used to magine readers would report to me their reactions and new conversations might grow wings of inspiration, spawn new communion.

In short, I reckoned that I have something of value, that I am saying something significant, and that there are people I don’t yet know who want to read more about what I am saying.

Every one of these assumptions and basic premises have no basis in fact!

My words are not set to catchy pop melodies, my ideas are not the stuff of viral jokes, catchy lyrics which spiral up the charts on fire, like fireworks in the sky. 

My words are truths clad in pastel colours. They arise from identical wellsprings of humanity as the emotions of any other person.

What I report on is one presence among all the other presences. The main difference is that I happen to be broadcasting it. This is no cause for others to sit up and take notice. It is hardly a reason for others to open one eye to me. After all, as I never get tired of saying, “Love is present EveryNow”.

If my art consists in saying I am as human and as alive as you, this is sufficient for the moment in which my words and images interact with another person. More relevant still, it shows that this is amply sufficient for me also.

Here is the fork in the road. I have two choices according to what I think I have become.

My first choice is, I could choose to try again to enlarge EveryNow’s audience by financing more Facebook advertising. It can cost as little as one pound per day, and I am able to monitor the results closely. 

By doing this, I can focus on the urgent calls of love that my heart, ears, eyes and mind shout out at every turn and step on my daily path. I can decide to completely devote my resources to give priority to the all-consuming feelings of urgency in the call to love that I find is so strong within me at all times.

So what’s it to be?

When my flower, my soul is not here any longer, when it comes to the end and it melts into the earth it rose from, it will remain as one of the myriad expressed forms of love forever.

One of the top attributes of this call to love is unabating newness. My emotional responses to external stimuli seem to react as if everything is continually new, everything is happening for the first time. This counterintuitive, even downright illogical, highly receptive ‘hypernew’ state contributes such a lot to my desire to share the love. I do recognise it as a state of Grace. 

Gradually, step by step, since this awakened state came about in 2013, I have been prompted to acknowledge to myself the fact of my new 24/7 condition – so akin to bliss unshakeable – because of the mirroring I have received from those close to me whose integrity and honesty I respect. 

In parallel to this broadening acceptance of who, and more significantly, of what I am, my own self-compassion, my self-love has grown up to increase and become real too.

Here is an example. The point arrived some time in 2020, when I fully understand my fear of death is fear no more! 

The EveryNow blog offers other people what I see as unusual and precious about what is happening on the other side of that magic portal which opened to me in 2013. That’s why the Blog seems to be the bandwagon to leap onto!

My second choice is, I can step away from that image of me as one fish among trillions. I can shy away from the urge to increase, embellish, emblazon and enlarge my shadow under the sun. I can accept the concept of my membership of the Swarm of life. My life as a Pixel of Humanity is enough.

From the moment I fully understand what it means to be a Pixel of Humanity, I fully  arrive at a place of pure acceptance, and purest peace, too! I know the simple joy of being alive, sentient and sensual. My acceptance of this disarmingly exquisite experience of mine, of loving to live, equates to that of any other beings, great or small, sentient or not.

It needs saying that the sensual aliveness I participate in, moment to moment, is flavoured by the delicious honey of gratitude for it all.

I hardly find it necessary to differentiate between the ecstacy I feel when an empathy moment arises that lets me savour my intimate proximity to a pebble, or to a flower ‘in the flesh’, never mind the delight of meeting with another loving, living being, animal or vegetable in deep heart’s communion.

Here’s the thing. After I have made the all important distinction between the quality of love and the quantity of the qualities of which love is the bearer, I no longer want or need to try to grasp at the latter, because the former shows itself to me as so comprehensively sufficient.

From the moment I unreservedly accept that my voice among many voices praising and extolling love is like a summer flower in a gigantic flowering meadow, every thought, every emotion is stripped of layers of meaning and becomes quite suddenly simply enough.

~ Love is present EveryNow

Noble rose

Power of impermanence

There is nobility in the unconditional broadcast of the tender, fragile vulnerability and impermanence of the rose. All flowering flowers have a thread in common with my own existence.

I am not unbreakable, I am not infinitely strong, I’m not physically immortal.

There is a difference between Rose and I. It is a clear message, a loud lesson. Why do I see any need for defence or attack? Where is the will to attack or defend situated within Rose?

Rose makes no judgement and no distinction concerning the recipient of its fragrant beauty. It has a nobility of presence inherited from its humility. I see even the thorns on the rose as an affirmation of its non-aggression, through its need to defend its own longevity, however brief.

Wherever I may stroll, nobility – this sacred quality of all alive life – can become apparent to and “ping” my consciousness with a little inrush of grace.

The nobility of life in its consummation resides in its wild untamed acceptance of humility as it goes on its singular way towards the collective meaning of its individual death

AUTHOR’S PREFACE TO EVERYNOW

PETER PILLEY REFLECTS ON EVERYNOW

EveryNow author

A portal to life’s glory opened to me in an unexpected and brilliant burst of inception in February 2013. It engulfed me, Peter Pilley, and straight away began to transform me. Some time passed before I discovered that I was experiencing an epiphany, a heart opening.

This wash of unknown emotions and revelations was so utterly new, when I tried to open my mouth to talk about this state of grace, I could not find the words in English! Slowly, I came to realise what had opened would forever remain open.

EveryNow speaks for itself. I write about the cultivation of a belief system linked to my personal view of the world I live in, in relation to the most sacred centre of my integrity. The belief systems my writings rely on and navigate by come from never-ending sources of ancient established spirituality. I hardly know what labels apply. The structures owe their existence to Zen, Taoism, Apophatic Mysticism, and to good old Powers of Positive Thinking, amongst others.

My day to day, moment to moment, intense experience of being newly alive and in life began with a starburst of gentleness. This delicious newness continues to demand I share it to the best of my ability.

I say the epiphanies I have lived can be available as positive transformative experiences to other people. My life story as I know it tells me I have nothing uniquely of my own making to impart to the world. I am so graced by the massive shifts in my life, I will not ignore them, nor keep them to myself. I am all about sharing, like friends, wonder-struck, in a scented, colourful garden for the first time.

I am just this guy with his blog and the delicious sense of being on fire with love flames that burn and consume nothing.

After this epiphany in 2013, I researched online, close questioned friends. I began to write a digital journal. I searched with urgent intensity to tease out meaning from my new condition of incandescent awareness.

During my first six doldrum decades, I neglected to hold communion with my heart. I had contented myself with “Living to Love”, which is pretty, but superficial. I knew I loved loving. I thought it enough to believe in love. My daily search for love was dedicated, thorough and systematic.

A time comes when the search for love somewhere outside of me becomes plainly pointless, like chasing shadows. When I begin Loving to Live from the heart is when I start to be remade whole again, which means I join in with humanity as yet another “Pixel of Humanity”

Today I am at peace and at ease with my experience of being alive in this completeness of sentience in the moment, a gift I call EveryNow. It amazes me how it still feels as astonishing, secure and as unremittingly brand new as it did at the start of my unforeseen gentle earthquake in 2013.

My EveryNow blog is not here to change you. I am not about promotion. I proffer no message, hold out no quick fix lists. You can read it as an organic journey of awakening. It may let you believe that the bliss and rooted peace which has found a happy home in me, can be yours too, if you “let go”, if you experiment with trying to avoid judgement, or stop discarding one choice over another. The potential at the birth of all choices has equal value. 

It can be enough to “Chat to Things”. Concentrate your senses with fierce, daily and above all uncritical, unconditional loving attention on all the tiny nearby things and beings, wherever you sit, stand, walk or travel. And then? Will they chat back at you?

In 2018, my journal turned into the EveryNow blog, which you can see on www.everynow.blog by WordPress. I now have readers in roughly 30 countries. I am still adding to it. It’s rooting, branching, ever growing, much like a garden.

Mine are the everyday stories of someone who is daily willingly reliving the trauma of massive heart opening. I write of love, compassion and praise for the glories o9f living from the heart. I illustrate my blog posts mostly with my own photos or artwork.

Sieze the joy

Passion & Focus

“Every single activity of the mind or body can be experienced with a passionate focus, with no regard or need for “outcome”. Which, being intensely lived in the moment, releases burdens of acquisition and the trappings of results measured by time past or time future.”

That’s a paragraph lifted from my blog about my practice of Apophatic Bliss*.

Secondary questions about a mind or body experience being true or good or important become irrelevant, when the focus of my attention is conveyed by my innate senses of aliveness.

Aliveness here includes the tunnel vision awarenesses of the will to live, self-protection at a primary instinctual level, and my animal binary trigger sensitivity which I describe as,

“If it moves, it will kill me, or I will eat it”

Boreholes drilled by fine tuned inspection into the great questions tell me only I am going nowhere.

Instead, I gain the juicy satisfaction that arrives with my touching into the fabric of existence. I touch into the fabric of what is in the way sci-fi films show glowing symbols being manipulated in space two-handed on a holographic computer screen. This is a visceral enjoyment that has nothing to do with an intellectual understanding.

The act of melding my mind and heart with my perception of the what-is of existence totally satisfies me. I am filled with a mildness I compare to a much anticipated cup of cool water in my mouth from a natural spring.

Should I, on the other hand, think to examine, inspect, question or parse existence, the object of my attention disintegrates, and I am washed up, all arms and legs, on the shores of undoing.

https://everynow.blog/2018/08/19/in-the-cradle-of-now/

*https://everynow.blog/2021/11/23/the-practice-of-apophatic-bliss/

Twin soul love

Let’s look at a heart’s love with no object for its love to love ~

Let’s look at a friendship, a friendship with no prior history, and with one who shares similar perspectives. Here we step away from the familiar territory of Me and You, because the friendship I am looking at is completely new for me in one major respect.

The care and concern shown by my friend is unusual in that it is high on the scale of unconditional. As such, I cannot assume the qualities of this uniquely delicate and precious relationship are in any sense fixed or given.

I am become sensitive to the fact that my friend has no engagement with my personality, my turbidities, nor with my expressed opinions. I can see that any and all my words coming from my side of the conversation will affect the structure and fabric of our friendship. I realise that, in our conversations, I must tread with the same humility, awareness and anticipated excitement as I would when I enter a woodland about to awake to a springtime dawn chorus!

The maintenance of such a close, but not necessarily contiguous, relationship is of the order of a continually earned renewed privilege.

Friendly casual acquaintance, on the other hand, can be entered into like a ball game – with the energy of playfulness, which can include and accept the give and take of rough and tumble.

Relations with another, which are underpinned by a tacit unconditional mutual respect and the courage of curiosity, require a willing and continuing journey of study in self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-love.

In the tranquillity of such rarified and respectful interchanges, the resulting arrival at any sort of unconditional outlook means that the ‘hunter-killer’ element, or to use a less dramatic word, the element of self-interest is melted into insignificance.

Only join with another whose outlook has formed with such similarities to one’s own, and the relationship is potentially primed for depth, rather than brilliance, and shared explorations of peace, instead of irrational fear that might lead to conflict.

More welcome even than these shared explorations in depth, come the human warmths generated by a growing sense of mutual acceptance and security.

When I can assume I can go share a thought, or a few words, in full knowledge that I am taken seriously, with respect, and without any knee-jerk criticism, this is the time my mind and heart can drop all socially conditioned defences, and I know without the need to analyse that I am welcomed into a place of safety.

Here in such mutual equality is the potential for discovery of a vast wealth of low-level, undramatic shared experiences and mutual appreciation, where fulfillment is remarkable for its absence of competition or conflict.

In brief, I am describing a relationship of the human heart to love for which it has no object for its love to love.

This is the entrancing enchantment of being in love’s presence EveryNow

Good morning to your glory

Glory to your glory, Morning Glory

Your silence is music of the highest order.

I listen and I see your face is turned to love those whose love for you

is single-pointed as the light that reaches from a star.

You beckon with serious urgency, but not to me.

Your face awakes in me compassion for your journey today, for those winged workers who will instantly adore you, and who will be nourished by you.

Compassion for your little life,

and for mine.

~ Love is present EveryNow

Gaze out from SoBo

Gaze out over the Channel

We live a few moments’ walk from the coast clifftop path at Southbourne-on-Sea. From here, look West, East and South over the long reaching fin of the north east Atlantic. Call it The Channel; call it La Manche.

The surface is forever breathing, changing, surprising, pleasing.

Today, it’s the teeming collective sea-lives I am visualising, as I stand sentinel, like a little lighthouse, and I open myself up once more with awe to my submariner senses.

I take my imagining under and my alter-image goes deep.

I am discoverable in the nakedness of the depths. I tense and relax inside of the almost limitless cubic salty kilometers.

I wander alongside the floating populations, the slow tribes, the single species. Giant extended families who move with one accord. And I too can float with the slowly, lowly, barely visible water-clouds of diatoms.

I strain a little to observe down towards the shallow floor, and I am entranced by the swaying dark slippery wavy forests of kelp. My flanks, my skin have become receptors of spatial data. As the pressing of the water increases, so the light diminishes.

My senses are minutely informed by the varied vibrations of frequencies within enormous bands of pressure. These extend from noises of top frothing waves to far abyss in realms of unimagined extent, ruled by silence and sacred, prehistoric lightlessness.

The shifts of temperature and pressure in these vast waters I compare, in my air-breather way, to the hourly, diurnal and seasonal colour changes of our familiar and welcome domed sunlit skies.

Let me salute the salty creatures, let me breathe a breath of gratitude for our brethren beasts, or great, or small, whose horizontal business of thriving alive counterbalances our own. We vertical humans are not alone!

[For the photo, my thanks to Zippo, loyal friend and guard to Heike Jenkins, DrumCircle leader extraordinaire]

Simple celebrations

for Love is present EveryNow

Many Happy Returns of the Now

The birthing of a new day, of a new hour, of any new moment.

These are simple celebrations.

They are here for all.

Let they brighten you & I

~ for Love is present EveryNow

How to help healing heal?

The body heals. This fact is a major cause for gratitude and wonder.

The body heals in noiseless self-contained seclusion at a separate pace from the abstract world of thought and the constant impatient fluctuation of the primitive mind.

The way the intellect and the mind try to organise or fix the everyday world they tend to operate in holds little or nothing that concerns the snail-like patience of the body’s enormous potential for healing.

And yet, the giant propulsion systems on which the body depends, and from which it draws its hidden powers of healing depend on the awareness of thought to be left, with a respectful distance, in peace to operate.

These wondrous hidden powers need the mind’s cooperation. They need the courage of self-encouragement and they have a ready appetite for offers of material and environmental support.

A tree throughout its lifetime is entirely dependent on this type of aware protection and nurture from the humans with whom it shares its immediate environment.

The trees and we people are vulnerable as a flickering candle flame. Both need active protection from disasters which arrive from ignorance, hubris, self-harm, unchecked violent impulses, even blind malice.

So, my friend, I am a student of the gentle art of living, balanced between desire and postponement of desire.

A good rule of thumb? Always favour love of the Now over love of the past or future.

And I do

Self-assembly self-reverential

Imagine

Walking on air

Can you imagine what it’s like to be acutely aware, out of long habitual repetition, aware of underlying larger reality most of the time? This can arise from the discipline of years of desiring to notice connections between material objects in terms of their historical constitution and their origins in archaeology, geology, astronomy, and cosmology.

If I so choose, I can become aware of the unified nature of everything, based on facts scientific. As I go on my way day by day, I will see the origins of all life on earth, even all the inanimate earth itself, share incontrovertible commonalities.

Only extrapolate the implications from the famous words in Joni Mitchell’s song, “We are stardust”. I do not place the concept on a shelf under a glass dome. It is one of my start points to bring my awareness to bear and connect any and every object with Life the Universe & Everything.

From a standing start, I used to assume, as a rule of thumb, that the life I occupy and live is “I” and “other”. In fact the concept of “me” as occupant of the life in me is a sad wrong-headed example of attempts to anthropomorphise domination of life.

No! Life lives me, period.

I believe, from my direct and continuing everyday experience, that ‘this life, which is superabundance of joy and love, has found an acceptance in my identity, and has assumed a proportion of my identity without my volition and with an attachment that never did nor ever will depend on my acceptance of it.’

In the old days, it used to work like this. Myself as an observer on one side, and on the other side, somehow independent of me, my senses take note of a scene, or of an object – animal, vegetable or mineral – and I, the observer, deal with it as a discreet entity, like a specimen under observation. This staid, well-trodden way of encountering and interracting with reality in my immediate surroundings is dualism: here is me and there is other.

This dualistic concept is pure human fabrication. It is a house of straw that will vanish in the next breeze. It so happens that there may seem to be too much work involved in unpicking the straws in this age-old house of straw. If so, finish your days on earth in the image of a player in a Role Playing Game. This is waste too catastrophic to contemplate.

On some level, to experience life at such intensity and with such unattached, deconstructed observation, is to experience an incandescent peace, sacred, fertile, wholly joyous. This non-dual, unconditional state explains why a passer-by could well hear me chuckle with no visible cause

You are to imagine my progress on any pavement that I am aware, with a physical reverberation, that my atoms move among collections and assemblages of atoms as energetic, as complex and as screaming-beautiful as all others, mine not excepted.

Apophaticism, or, You can’t eff the ineffable

Apophatic ecstacy

My EveryNow blog developed and began in 2018 from a life-changing outburst of heart pouring and opening for me in 2013.

WWW.EVERYNOW.BLOG

In 2013 I was utterly confused. There were no old reference points. Everything was unfamiliar, new and untried.

I knew it as a strange, safe and beautiful place to be. Talk about “Lost for Words”! I couldn’t explain it. At first I could not tell anybody what was happening, for the simple reason that I could find no English vocabulary to describe it.

After weeks and months, with help from Soul friends and formal research, I sussed ‘up’ from ‘down’!

So then, what did I understand? Not a thing! I still understood nothing. Now I realise there’s nothing to understand. It’s all about being.

Understanding is simply another unnecessary step to work around.

With conscious effort, I have reintegrated into this new present time. It is continuing newness. When I am in the flux of newness unending, it’s like being aware all of the time that this present presents as unique, precious, sacred.

This all-consuming belief is strengthened every moment I glance around, take a step, hear a sound, even notice a passing thought. If you notice me smile as you go, this is what lights my smile.

You’d think these experiences of utter newness might destabilise, interfere, be bothersome. I am here to tell you it’s like being an inquisitive youngster who’s strolling through and residing in a vast fairground of wonderland.

I don’t feel special or ‘other’. I am grateful to be me, and in awe of living through the sequences of life events which whizz me around my personal pin-table.

Close friends in these last ten years, Soul friends as I call them, inspire, power and light me on this journey.

And now here I am. I’m on the way to be nowhere.

No place could seem more desirable right now than nowhere. Oh, to float, alert, connected and intimately present nowhere, EveryNow!

Signs of the times

Eyes to see and ears to hear

See fires flood famine war earthquake

See injustice see violence see ugliness

See the sick the lonely the loved who are blind to love

See grief pain anguish disdain despair

See the hardly living the dying the bereft

See the street the dirt the broken the discards

See grasses parks backyards and weeds

See the birds beetles moths dragonflies

See your partner neighbour family friends

See all the signs of the times all of the time

See time see the time

with your ever loving eyes

~ Loving is present EveryNow

Wild spirits

Bucolic whimsy

Clearly, while this artistic representation is bucolic whimsy, there is in truth nothing whatsoever either fanciful or unreal about it.

Ingrained in your and my Original Wild consciousness are forested places where we had to experience arduous toil, and apprehension of dangers ranging from being injured, and losing our way in the dark, to attack by strangers or wild beasts.

In these same places there thrived entire populations of those non-human companions, who lived in and shared the forest seasons with us.

These wild spirits, with whose survival our own was bound together, soon became these same tamed and familiar furry and feathery creatures that we were given to anthropomorphise for courage, for continuity of knowledge and out of a deep pagan respect for the wildness which their small warm bodies seemed to incarnate alongside our own.

The picture I look at speaks to me about the continuity of millenia of human settlement, when word of mouth kept the rise and fall of time, precious know-how was assiduously handed down from one generation to another, long before books, clocks, towns.

“If we can stay in the heart, …

A friend mused, “If we can stay in the heart, I think every day would be beautiful.”

The wonderful thing is that we are there. The heart is our natural born home. It always was and will always be so. Here is where bliss is. Bliss of the most peaceful and unassuming and abundant kind.

Your heart and mine and all hearts share a portion of the love and peace from which arose all beings, animate, inanimate, sentient or not, and to which all are always returning.

If I get out from under my own feet, if I begin to truly see the laughably illusory nature of the images of the obstacles my mind chooses to scatter on my days and nights, then the trip-hazards in my personal Heads Up Display, the disparaging self-images my mind constructs, and which lie littering my way, all, all, all evaporates before my eyes.

If I learn about who I am, from others first, from serious academic study, and then by observing my own image in these reflections, I clear my unknowing, I open my mind to believe the best of myself.

It is my unknowing which invites mental constructions to explain the unknown, and so I am inclined to measure my worth by reference to explanations derived from socially accepted norms.

As I seek stability and comfort and refuge from these unknowns, I tend to label my fears as things external to my being, and not of my own making. By directing my attention on this naming, I am turning my back on the source of peace, harmony, balance, light and love. The source is in my own heart. It’s always ready to welcome me in like a faithful and passionate lover.

My heart releases an avalanche of self-esteem and self-confidence. It colours my days with my favourite colours. It shows up on demand like my bestie with a loving smile and with a gaze no vision of an angel can match

Life the Universe and All – yes but why?

Life the Universe & All – yes but why?

A small boy was alone on a bridle path on a warm day, when he picked up a stone from the dark earth at his feet and wondered, “Why is the stone a stone?”

The revelation of absolute questionability was such a powerful moment in my little life, that I can recall this chap in his scene in the minutest detail more than sixty years later.

From the time I began to reflect with self-awareness on the big questions of Life The Universe and So On, up till quite recently, it amused and inspired and blissed me to bump up against the great unknowables.

A recent BBC Radio 4 programme assembled a small group of Far Out Pure Mathematicians.

I had been trundling towards a belief that the entirety of Everything is Maths. The arise into form from formlessness? Why, look no further, it is maths!

Then it was one matter of fact comment by one erudite studio guest, and I am begorragh’d if I can recall who, which released me from a lifetime of amusing, inspiring, but essentially fruitless questing.

What the mathematician said showed that the study of mathematics in all its various disciplines is infinitely complex to the extent there can never be any one person or group for whom the limits of our comprehension can ever become visible. Or words to that effect.

With due respect to generations of questers, including the billions invested on CERN and the Hubble and the like, Life The Universe & Everything is in my view to be acknowledged as absolutely –  and I mean to use that word in its most pure abstract and controversial definition – forever unknowable.

I believe today that the joke is that there is no answer.

There never was and never will be any answer. Not only no answer to any of the great big questions, but the unattainability of any answer is the very locus, the epicenter, where the answer, or as it could be more accurately called, the resolution may reside, hidden in plain sight.

The painting of the Zen Circle is one way of approaching the unknowable. The equal and opposite way is the meditation on not painting the Zen Circle. One is incomplete when the other is not present.

This allows me to “get on with” Life. Just because I can put a “Why” at the front of a sentence, does not necessarily mean there has to be an answer. The Zen master’s ‘Koan’ is often the most intractable unanswerable, yet most revelatory of all possible questions.

What a sense of relief I feel when I shrug off the distraction of the perpetual scratchy “why?”

Now I can stride out and fully concentrate on the joyous juicy moments of this my shared life, and I can love to live it with ever greater depth and breadth.

~ ~ ~Love is present EveryNow

Joys of instant recall

Banded Demoiselle by the River Avon at Christchurch

A bejewelled Banded Demoiselle, aka Damselfly, pauses by the Avon riverside. This flash assisted shot is an ambition at long last realised 📸

I am proud to have taken this close-up of the Mayfly. Most of the photos I take out in the open, in the Big Green, I carry home together with a small cloud of instant recall. This is one of the main reasons I go “pic-nicking” in the first place.

For most photos, I can recapture my location, the sensations of weather, lighting and skies, my position facing the subject and the flavour and soundscape of my immediate surroundings.

More than these, I can often clearly recall, very many years later, my emotions and thoughts at the time of pressing the shutter. If I see and hear the “crackle of place” in my photo, and sometimes even enjoy the scent of the place, these are not gifts to be taken for granted.

The word Camera originally means Room. It’s a Time Machine for my wanderings. As “Doctor Who” says about the Tardis, “It’s bigger on the inside than in the outside”.

When I am at worship of the natural world, I am part of an ever deepening mystical experience, and I love to share far and wide. No picture of mine belongs to me after I share it. Anyone can share it for themselves.

The act of taking a photo of beauty brings me into Love’s Presence EveryNow

♡Meditation on the heart♡

♡Meditation on the heart♡

The physical universe has its own natural dignity in the general order of existence. That dignity deserves its own respect.

Reality is apparent through its magnificent spectrum of wavelengths.

Where reality ends and something else begins, possibly connected with quantum reality, or to do with the threshold of an important and blindingly beautiful stasis, is also a boundary which we humans are privileged to inhabit.

Nothing is black and white. Light, like love, is infinitely graduated.

Everything is just how it is.

I come back again and again to realising that the Way of Being of whatever we attend to is entire and sufficient to itself. It is enough. It is always and perpetually enough.

It is an expression of the way the universe loves its own. This is a love that holds and contains those gigantic energies science has been showing us.

Intense love quenches every last residue of fear. The potent awareness of such love is self sustaining. It feels like perpetual motion, eternally safe !

There is a final resting place for the restless mind.

That place is a place of safety unconstrained by and unconcerned by time. It is a not-there which is available, instantly whenever we as individuals need it.

Love is the answer

To which

No question exists

“Silence” On compulsory siesta after lunch at boarding school in 1959

I’m rereading recollections in the school magazine about compulsory siesta after lunch at Frensham Heights School (FH), Surrey. They trigger memories on conflicting timelines. The odd fact of my first and second years both spent in Group 4, also fudge my memory.

I always believed that on my arrival at school, I came into a dormitory at Bracken Hill. Now I think my career began at the Flottage, a dormitory block attached to the teaching block near the Main House. I begin to recollect walking back from there idly, or more often ambitiously and skillfully aiming kicks at the larger yellow stones on the rough gravelled drive to the Flottage.

Until the early ’60s, after lunch at Main House, all students would have to observe “Silence” lying down on metal frame, lightly sprung beds with their regulation issue thin woollen scarlet blanket. I once used a sewing needle to assess the thickness of the horsehair mattresses. Both ends of the needle protruded from each side. This traditional digestion time of Silence was a hangover from very early theories of how to nurture children.

I must have been there for some time, because I remember a summer infestation by a fascination of swarming tiny yellowish flies covered some of the east facing upper window panes. Housekeeping staff had to be despatched to get rid of them.

Michael Campbell, talented, charismatic, English and Drama teacher, was Housemaster. I had to be “spoken to”. He informed me that while my button sewing and sock darning skills were commendable, payments of a penny a time contravened School Rules.

My earliest memories of school are somewhat hidden from me by my own efforts to suppress feelings of brokenness and homesickness. Many at FH had arrived, placed in boarding school at a safe distance from parents’ problematic relationships and/or lifestyles. None spoke about their lives outside this school, which was set in large grounds, with phenomenal extensive views of rolling Surrey hills south towards Frensham Ponds, Elstead, Hindhead and beyond.

Some 200 pupils formed a cohesive community. It had and it still boasts various institutions, clubs and associations, social, sporting, and in music and the arts, which contributed to a sense of purpose and belonging. These developed into a springboard later helping some to establish an active profession. Lifelong enduring relationships formed. I recall my time at the school with high esteem and affection, just like many all down the years since the founding in 1925.

The UK system of schooling was never fertile ground for an inclusive, humanist, coeducational and progressive boarding regime. Others might fill me in on why the UK tends to prefer single-sex, disciplinarian and generally prescriptive or repressive styles of education.

One telling fact is the way British schools cling to strict adherence to expensive uniform dress codes. The thriving clothing manufacturing industry only helps to entrench this anachronistic and militartistic fad. Our counterpart educational establishments on mainland Europe get along well without our strictures of school uniform.

It was a complex task to schedule the Rota of classes, both the lessons and the “Optionals”.

It needs to be said that times were made available during the working week for students to choose to write their homework. These class times were known in Frensham Heights as “Optionals”. It was a point of pride for us that we were given the freedom to choose which set homework we worked on, in the se “Optional” study times. Rather like adults at University, we were trusted with the responsibility to calculate best use of our free study time in order to accompllsh our tasks.

This was a highly commendable and adult way of learning the skills of self-guided work. Unfortunately, my over-imaginative, free-spirited mind was seriously lacking in self-discipline. I would use these Optionals to daydream, doodle, or later on, to compose love poems.

Inevitably, I would fall behind the deadline for submitting the homework. It would morph into a looming terror, similar to a living nightmare, a sort of real-life Pit And The Pendulum story by Edgar Allan Poe. I learned to use the dead of night to save myself from the dread consequences of shameful failure to submit my homework. This cycle of frozen inaction followed by intense bursts of emergency action was to dog me all my working life.

A quarter of a century before Microsoft Spreadsheets made light work of certain complicated clerical tasks, a hapless member of the teaching staff had to curtail summer holidays and spend three full days before the start of term writing out on a grid by hand the Lessons Rota and allocating the new intake into dormitories.

The Term Lessons Rota was a neat chart displayed under glass in a big hardwood frame for all to refer to (often in a tearing hurry) on a wall near the History room in the Teaching Block.

For some reason, my name had been missed out on the list of beds for my Group 4 in Bracken Hill in September 1959. Maybe that’s why I was placed to begin with in the Flottage.

Perhaps it was in Spring term in 1960, that I found myself transferred to Bracken Hill, temporarily billeted on a bunk bed (same thin matresses and pillarbox red blankets) along with a bunch of Group Sixers.

These boys, four years my senior, were bigger than my peers physically, and they would lumber around, in the way adult persons are more inclined to locomote, reserved in thought, rather than to caper, hop skip or jump like lambs.

In the bunk bed above me slept arguably the most eccentric among all the FH eccentrics of that time – Nicky Mason. It was remarkable to me that after lights out, neither words nor movement came from my upper bunk bedfellow.

I joined a few boys in the basement Jazz Club. We’d generously been given the use of the groundman’s former potting shed, under a room opposite the Flottage study block.

My instrument was a makeshift bass. It was an old thin plywood cube – a Tea Chest, all its edges reinforced with metal. A length of sisal was inserted in a hole pierced in the centre of one face. The other end was tied to an old broomstick. By tensioning the broomstick perched near the edge, I could pluck at the sisal and the Tea Chest would provide the semblance of a rhythmic bass tone backing.

We each played our chosen instruments. There was a genuine vintage glass Washboard, a guitar, a harmonica and Nick Mason’s clarinet. We sang loudly and played along to Skiffle favourites.

Hang Down Your Head Tom Dooley, When The Saints Go Marching In, Sinner Man, The Train I Ride Is Twenty-one Coaches Long. We’d improvise bawdy versions of She’ll Be Coming Round the Mountain.

Nick studied music, the violin, under the gentle and formal instruction of Mr Teddy Rice. That amiable and placid white-haired man, was not in favour of Nick accompanying us in the Jazz Club playing his clarinet.

Fifty-four years later, retired in Bournemouth where I now live out my retirement, I developed my own group DrumJam, with Djembé drummers, percussionists and other instrumentalists.

No one there present could have had any prescience of Pink Floyd to come. Nick had interests in musicians like Jelly Roll Morton, who were not simply not mainstream, but utterly unheard of, which further set him apart from the rest of us.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nick_Mason But that’s another story.

Of course, we knew the words and tunes from the raucous singalongs which broke out spontaneously among us on occasional school coach outings to distant events, sporting or cultural.

I now realise that the majority of Pink Floyd albums were produced during my early twenties, while I was shuttered off in psychiatric hospitals or medicated to numbness. I have huge empty spaces in me which so many of my peer group lived through and remember as The Sixties.

Among all the Frenshamians who were naturally “different”, Nick was on another planet. His speaking voice was in the last stages of breaking.

Everything about Nick Mason was above. He was taller than average, and loped his lanky frame along apparently preoccupied with quantities unknowable.

He came to Morning Talk (school assembly) one day in early February 1960, wearing a black armband on his regulation green Harris Tweed jacket with slubs. Group Four onwards could, up to a point, interpret our own self-expression regarding the wearing of uniform. Only Day Pupils had no choice. Nick, a boarder like us, looked uniquely formal in wearing his green tweed jacket.

Outside the Mummery, a newly converted teaching classroom, I plucked up courage to stop him and ask who he was wearing the armband for.

Nick looked in a downwards direction towards me. I can hear it even today, he said in a flat tone, “Buddy Holly’s dead”. There was nothing more to be said. I got a sense of how important music was to him.

I learned while writing this, that the tragic air crash incident became known as The Day The Music Died, after Don McLean.